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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 29, 2014 1:32am-2:05am PDT

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>> and why would a real spy have a tv show? [laughter] >> jon: and then shaquille o'neal comes in and saves the day dressed as a wizard. it gets better. boy, if you want to see more the trailer is available now on imtunes. i really hope you like it. we're real proud of it. and i hope when it comes out you get chance to see it and like it. anyway, here it is, your moment of zen. >> texas is a pretty red state now. but i refer to travis county as the blueberry in the tomato soup. if you know what i mean. captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪
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(cheers and applause) (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody. thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, folks! it is good to know that the colbert nation is standing strong no matter what happens all around the world because, folks, for months, the world has been shocked by the brutal terrorist group i.s.i.s. don't be fooled just because they have the same name your lonely aunt gave her cat. (laughter) these guys are pure evil.
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tv, scare us till it's brown downtown! >> i.s.i.s. is brutal? they are animals -- beheadings, crucifixions, mass executions or live burials, enlivement of women. they certainly aren't the j.v. team of al quaida. they're the green bay packers. >> stephen: yes, they're the green bay packers, but with beheadings. so slightly less head trauma than the n.f.l. and yes -- (applause) -- yes, the u.s. did hit i.s.i.s. with airstrikes in iraq. but that just drove them back into syria, where, last week they captured a major air base. although, i don't know what good that will do, since i'm guessing they're all on the "no fly" list. (laughter) think, guys! so who exactly is "is-is? (laughter) according to the "the new york
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times," the group has "the group has quietly built an effective management structure of mostly middle middle-aged iraqis. and their leader, abu bakr al-baghdadi, has been described as "a balding, middle aged man." (laughter) in other words, they're 40-somethings having a mid-life isis. (laughter) >> stephen: you know how it is! you know how it is, you see your youth slipping away, so you go out and get an exotic new sports tank, and cheat on your wife with your other wives. and you try to diet, but you still can't fit into your high school suicide vest. worst of all, isis has now attracted the most violent, heavily-armed people on earth -- americans. >> new details emerging about american jihadist douglas mccain. he wasn't the only terrorist to come from robbinsdale coopers high school in minnesota. we now know troy castagar who went overseas to fight an al quaida group with mccain's
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classmate. could there be a third terrorist athill robbinsdale coopers? this gunmen is wearing a shirt saying cooper hawks, the same as the high school mascot. >> stephen: cooper hawks! they leave it "all" out on the field. especially after a drone strike. their prom theme this year was israel under the sea. (laughter) and while isis is a relatively new terror group, this conflict has its roots in the seventh-century sunni-shiite split, with sunni's following muhammed's father-in-law abu bakr, while shiites follow muhammed's son-in-law ali. so, in other words, this is obama's fault. >> the man is derelict in his duties to get ahead of this problem and rough ticket the homeland. >> it's a dangerous world. everyone is holding their breath. for the president not to act
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politically, act like the man of the house and protect your family the united states here before it's too late! >> stephen: yeah, act like a man! step up. take what you want. yes, you wanted to bomb syria last year and we said no, but sometimes no means yes. (cheers and applause) this guy needs a hard dose of reality. right, woman who lives in a world of imagination? >> can i make a request? we get netanyahu, putin in for 48 hours, head of the united states, i don't know, just want somebody to get in here and get it done right: >> stephen: yes! putin or netanyahu, or better yet, combine them into president
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netan-put-hu! shirtless, but with nipple yarmulkes. (laughter) (applause) come in handy if you're running a marathon or something. but as long as we're making (bleep) up, as a conservative, my allegiance is with an even greater imaginary leader: ronald reagan. 'he's' the one we should be pretending is stopping this crisis. and newt gingrich agrees yesterday, newt posted a lengthy fake speech he imagines reagan would give if he were still around. and it is exactly what reagan would say if he were still alive, and somehow still president serving a ninth term at the age of 103. quoth reagan, quoth newt: "defeating terrorists and blackmailers is nothing new in american history. jefferson hated war and loved peace. he also understood that there were times when vicious opponents give peace-loving people no choice but to engage in just war."
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and if newt knows exactly how jefferson felt, i'm sure he will also write a fictional speech that jefferson would have given in 1984, when reagan decided to get our marines the hell out of lebanon. fake jefferson would be just as disappointed in real reagan as fake reagan is in real obama. i can only imagine what newt will imagine fake obama will one day say about the mideast policy of president blue ivy. (applause) (laughter) nation, i, too, can imagine our way to a better world because, i, like newt gingrich, believe we can defeat isis with the power of make-believe. remember, in 1938, the radio broadcast of war of the worlds managed to convince thousands of americans that aliens were attacking.
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we can do the same thing to isis and convince them that reagan is back in charge. (like old timey announcer...) we interrupt this broadcast of the colbert report to bring you a special bulletin from the intercontinental radio news. at ten minutes after 11:00, eastern time, a huge flaming object fell on a farm in the neighborhood of grovers mill, new jersey. observers reported that it was, in fact, ronald reagan. president reagan immediately mounted a nearby stallion and began riding toward the white house. (horse-galloping noise) he then dismounted, walking over some dry leaves. (crunches) in a thunderstorm. (metal sheet) before getting on a train. (train effect) and then reagan threw open the doors to the white house. (door opening sound)
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strode to the podium. (shoes) and said -- mwah, see? i'm in charge around here, see? listen up, isis, amscra, why doncha? or i'll give ya the business! tear down that wall! daddy wants some jellybeans! mwah! (laughter) give daddy a kiss, nancy! with isis defeated, reagan stepped down from the podium and walked off into the setting sun, joined by peter and a friendly duck. (clarinet song from peter and the wolf) take that, isis! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ fruit, with a cool finish. fruit on one side. cool on the other.
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so much for at&t's 'best ever' family pricing. t-mobile's got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to t-mobile. we'll even buy you out of your service contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. yep. but it's not just a tablet, it's really a laptop. it's a surface pro 3, with a touchscreen. well it can't be as fast as my mac.
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sure, it can. and it is. but you probably can't plug anything into it. i have a usb mini display port. plug away. and this is my favorite -- it's the kickstand. so you're saying it does more than my mac? well technically, you said it. ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! you know, folks, i don't think it comes to a surprise that i enjoy a libation from time to time. there's nothing like a stiff drink for relaxing at the end of a stressful day, or to take the edge off while driving your car through a crowded city park. but let's face it -- drinking can be complicated. where's the bottle opener bottle opener? which glass do i use? who is that guy on trish's facebook page? is that danny from work?! what happened to "us?" we were gonna go camping. i bought a "canoe."
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fortunately, there's a new device that takes all the guesswork out of getting boozejuice into your mouth-hole. jim? what if there was a brand new way to enjoy your alcholic beverages that will get the party started faster and won't slow you down. introducting vapeshot vaporizing spirits. now you can enjoy vaporized alcohol any time at home or one of your awesome parties. vapeshot mini is designed to vaporize alcohol that you can enjoy with a straw. it hits you instantly and kickstarts your buzz. >> stephen: that's right! (cheers and applause) vaporized alcohol! finally, something that combines the elegance of drinking with the convenience of huffing paint. best part is, it's so easy to use, any minor could do it. just invite over your favorite aunt, the one device who buys chardonnay in bulk. have her fill it with vodka, replace the cover, insert the injector into the bottle, press the button.
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count to 20, twist the top and presto-misto! boom! you are ready to inhale your way to a free ambulance ride. (laughter) and parents, you can rest assured - the vapeshot mini is perfectly safe, as proven by a chart. >> vapeshot isthe only laboratory product for vaporizing alcohol using information published by osha, one of the most respected. agencies for safety. vapeshot is well within the acceptable levels for inhaling alcohol. >> stephen: yes! (applause) look at that! (laughter) yes. according to this factory air pollutant graph, vapeshot will have you partying -- (laughter) (cheers and applause) vapeshot will have you partying
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nearly as hard as the cleaning crew at a poorly ventilated acetone plant. (laughter) but if anything, the squares at the occupational safety and health administration are playing it too safe. look at that gap -- or as i call it, the "brain cell bermuda triangle." (laughter) there's so much more fun you could probably non-fatally have. just ignore the very beginning of the chart where vapeshot is "outside" the safety zone. nothing to worry about. only the first vapeshot will kill you, but after that, you're in the clear! (laughter) (applause) of course, when we fact-checked that chart, osha told us they "don't know what vapeshot is basing their information on." vapeshot may have faked their chart? that is very sobering. but not for long. (laughter) the important thing is, no matter how dangerous it isn't, vapeshot gets you crunked fast!
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according to vapeshot's website. "normally when you take a drink, it has to go into your mouth, down your throat, into. your stomach, then intestines and finally into your bloodstream to your lungs and brain. that takes a long time and a whole lot more alcohol to have the same effect." "vapeshot introduces the alcohol directly into the blood stream through the lungs which is very efficient." (laughter) yes! efficient! so you can be the first at the party to be passed out with a penis drawn on your face! (applause) (laughter) but, folks, don't take my word for it. listen to someone who vapeshot didn't consult in. their commercial: an actual doctor. >> the normal sensation when you drink and you get-- you feel like you're more drunk is to vomit. it's your body's way of expelling alcohol. however, when you inhale alcohol, your brain has no way of expelling it. >> so don't worry about praying to the porcelain god. with vapeshot, you just might get to meet the real thing. (laughter) and at only $899, what are you
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is a french photographer famous for his portraits of ordinary people. that is groundbreaking -- it's like a selfie of someone else! please welcome j.r.! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: j.r., thank you for coming on! sit down! now, for those of you who may not know or did not know before i was introduced to you, you are a semi-anonymous french street artists, right? >> right, we'll say that. >> stephen: you've installed work in paris, the middle east and the largest illegal photography exhibition also the winner of the 2011 ted prize.
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when you say semianonymous, because you let people see you but you don't want to say your name or let people know who you are? >> i started from graffiti, so most of what i did was not really legal (laughter) >> stephen: so are you a "criminal"? (speaking with french accent) >> depending on which country. >> stephen: how about the united states? >> the united states has been nice to me, for now. >> stephen: you do like to hide your identity? >> let's say when you draw a portrait on the wall in china, you better not put your name on the wall. >> stephen: we will not review your true name and have disguised your voice with that outrageous accent (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: tell the team some of the art you do. jim, let's see if art here.
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this is an installation you did in rio de janeiro? >> yes. >> stephen: what's being done here? >> this is in a province in rio, and those are faces and eyes of women from the community, that are the pillars of their community, but when you look in the middle, you only see violence. >> stephen: very dangerous. it is, but about 80% of the population are having a normal life. that's what i wanted to high light. this is brazil. >> stephen: why women? you know, because when i was looking at tv, all i was seeing was men with girls and drugs, and when i went there, i actually saw women carrying their community, carrying their children. >> stephen: these are ordinary people (applause) why not -- these are ordinary people. why not take pictures of famous peopler celebrities? (laughter) because, a, we know how to get
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photographs and, b, people love looking at us. even shakespeare wrote about kings and queens. why make your art about women nobody looks at? >> when i went there first, i didn't see you. >> stephen: you didn't invite me (laughter) here's another one you did, this is in the west bank and israel. >> yes. >> stephen: these are photographs of israelis and palestinians doing the exact same job. so these guys might have the same job on either side of the wall. >> exactly. >> stephen: what's your point? (laughter) >> so, basically, imagine i take this fan colbert in palestine and in israel, both are doing the same job -- >> stephen: two of me. one next to each other. i put them in the street. i say, who is who?
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and most of the time people cannot recognize who is the israeli and who is the palestinian. >> stephen: you tell me what side they're on, i'll tell you who's right (laughter) are you saying that you can judge a book by its cover? >> not exactly. i think i'm saying that the enemy are not necessarily who we think they are. these people have crazy pictures and when you place it right in front of their face, there's not that much difference. so an israeli and palestinians in different places, it's almost impossible to tell. but people like to do that. >> stephen: people like that? people, when i came back here, they told me, you know, people didn't shoot you? (laughter)
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i even got sun burned. i went on holiday, came back. i said, the people, they're the one with their face on the wall while i'm here having a drink with you. >> stephen: you want to humanize the people who are being affected by war, in this case, or these are some people -- go to the next one, jim -- these are people inspired by you and approved by you in pakistan who put up the face of a little girl, a giant portrait they made in a field for the drone operators or people who live here -- to show them who live here? because this is the place where drones fly. >> right. i went and i never had drones flying over my head. all i know is i was the guy flying the drone, if i can't see
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the faces, i can't imagine the damage i'm doing. they printed it themselves. you have to do it only if it's art and that's what they did and placed it themselves. and it's been printed by hundreds of millions of people around the world and the media. >> stephen: seems what you're saying here is that i have to consider every person as human. (laughter) that i can't just think of people as part of a population or a statistic. so there's nobody i can't accidentally kill in a war and still feel good about that war. >> no. >> stephen: is that what you're saying? are you saying anybody who dice in a war that's justified --
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>> , no the question that's raised is, -- >> stephen: you ask questions that don't give answers. i don't want any questions, i'll tell you the answer. that's artist pundit. >> exactly. >> stephen: we go well together. together. j.r., everybod ♪ ♪ break the ice, together. j.r., everybod with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.
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a totally different breed of chocolate cereal. wicked crunch outside. smooth chocolate inside. krave cereal! take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. >> stephen: that's "the report," everybody! it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on vimeo, everything is bigger in texas and that includes your liver. >> it's the-- the9

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